Life,

Gets difficult. My parents make everything complicated. If I had it my way, living would be so easy. There would be no unnecessary stress and the little things wouldn’t matter enough to get upset over. Too bad I’m not living on my own. One day..

You,

Can’t make someone love you more or if at all.

And you definitely can’t stop them from loving someone else.

But that’s why I think I should set you free…

Maybe one day you’ll find out the person you should have loved most is me.

Trying..

not to do anything impulsive. I hate being upset. I don’t know how to deal. I must learn to handle things rationally.

It feels..

Like I’m a part of some big inside joke. Everyone pretends to act normal but they know what’s going on. Everyone, but me. Damn. I feel like an idiot. It’s one of those things I can sense very easily. I often do my best to talk myself out of it; I tell myself my thoughts are crazy without proof. Yet when the punch line’s delivered, the assumptions I assumed reveal reality. I don’t know why it happens to me so much, but I wish it didn’t. Time and time again it’s no different. What did I do to deserve all this? Maybe I’m simply not good enough to be treated well and to feel secure. It must be my fault that I find myself stuck in the middle of these messes. What else could there be? There are plenty of people with integrity, I unluckily choose those who don’t. I’ve been made the laughing stock of what it means to be honest to someone. Don’t I deserve to know the truth? Don’t I deserve to be loved and cherished? Don’t I deserve to be feared of losing? My heart is growing bigger yet weaker. It’s like building the Empire State building with a poor foundation and brittle pillars and columns. It’s all that’s holding up and keeping the enormous sky scraper in one piece. It’s gotten lucky in the past but one more small earthquake it will twist and bend; all of it will come tumbling down. With all the lies I’ve been fed, with all the secrets that I’ve been deprived of hearing; I don’t believe I’m able to take much more. I pray the hope I’ve managed to scour and salvage is enough to keep me believing that this person truly loves me. Trust me though when I say my melodramatic stories aren’t so dramatic; especially when they’re legitimate. I don’t like to tell fibs.

Sometimes,

I just feel lonely. And it doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not; I can’t help it. It usually creeps up and peaks during this time of the year but I’ll just wait for it to pass like I always do.

My family,

Definitely has communication issues. I think 98% of the time my family is in constant turmoil is because of one reason; no is listening. Whether it be hypocrisy, stubbornness, lack of understanding, language barriers, ect. I’m not perfect and I have my own miscommunications, but I think I might be the best of the bunch in my family. Unfortunately, that’s not saying much.

Another,

Stressful day at work. I’m sick of this.. I just wanna do my thing somewhere else. Why should I feel like shit? It’s the dumb ass people I have to help who don’t know what they’re doing.

I used,

To think I’d never have it. I believed the world I lived in was only shared by myself. But recently I discovered something.

It runs deep. Not yet been tasted; the water is fresh and clear. Hidden in the thick, dark forrest, it once was thought to be nonexistent. A quiet, calm river runs through my heart; it’s current is deceivingly strong. I’m trying not to get swept away. <3

This isn’t what I thought it would be. But I know what I’m feeling is real.

My Best Friends Wedding

Is an old time favorite movie of mine. “The guy whose always been in your life is marrying someone else, and you realize you love him.” The thing about films is I tend to pretend I’m a certain character- especially when I can relate. I’ve been in Julia Roberts shoes, moments in my life I’ve played Dermot Mulroney’s role, and recently I’ve become Cameron Diaz. It’s funny how I can see myself in each character. Sometimes I wish he didn’t move on and I want julia to win; the next time I’ll watch I’m glad cameron ended up with Dermot and he let go of julia. I’m watching this movie as we speak and probably the 10th time I’ve seen this. My heart still beats fast when Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney are under the bridge, dancing on the boat, as she tries to finally lets go of her best friend; at the same time she also wants to tell him how she feels. I love this movie but I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to watch every time. It’s about love; learning to be selfless, to move on, and let go. It’s something I am constantly learning how to do.